Walking toward adulthood ...

I allowed myself the privilege this morning to lay in bed and remember.  I remember the moment and place and smell of the little city apartment when I found out I was pregnant for the first time (orange shag carpet, slightly musty, overlooking the Portland city lights).  I remember the night of his birth and the way we looked at eachother the whole night through -- quiet, curious, unafraid.  I remember the way he cried, when he did, and how it reached into the depths of my being and tore a part of my heart that I didn't even know existed.  I remember his nursery, his first little toys and books (the dog board book as well as Winnie the Pooh Explores were his favorites), his crib, his little ailments -- suffering from allergies at an early age (likely due to the damp, moldy little house we lived in then in Portland).

I remember his chubby little hands always one in mine as we explored this world -- he and I.  Our move to the other side of the country left him undeterred as he took in all that he saw ... quiet, curious, unafraid.  I remember tractors (backhoes, front loaders, crawler tracks, buckets and skids .... ahhh, so many tractor books!), and mowers, and trains, and wars.  Forever etched on my memory is walking into his little Baltimore apartment bedroom and seeing his little self seated in the rocking chair "reading" with ferocity his little Bible picture books, fascinated.   I stood for a long time in that doorway ..... praising God for this little man, praising Him even more that his heart was discerning and willing at a young age to be interested in the things of God.

I remember distinctly realizing that I never knew it could hurt to love this much.

I remember struggles -- tying shoes, balloons that flew into the sky upon letting go, learning to ride a bike, overreacting when he felt conflict was impending (he still struggles with this).  I remember learning alongside this giant of a learner .... excited with him to visit historic sites, see amazing things.  Revolutionary war, military,  WWI and II.  I remember writing out stories for him of imaginary yellow giants, of Sam - the boy who did amazing things, and of real giants from whom he learned and continues to learn.   I remember our first violin lesson, our many practices, Suzuki Institutes, recitals .... so many recitals until his final one which was more than a recital to me.  It was a crowning achievement and an amazing moment to witness.

I remember his first dance -- English country -- and marveling at his courage to ask girls to dance when he was unfamiliar and awkward and ever so much shorter.   I remember friends and co-ops, history presentations, tutors, tests, long walks after lunch, uncontrolled zits, sharing chocolate from the drawer (probably contributing to them!),  decorating for Christmas, laughing and crying.  I remember reading endless books and barely getting through so many parts for the tears that fell in spite of my reading it before.  I remember his hugs.  I still get them .... nearly every day.

I remember all the birthdays from number one till this one -- eighteen.  I remember the day he came home and began researching doing college from home.  He was 14.  He was determined and undeterred --  quiet, curious, and unafraid.  And he began that same year.  I remember speeches and Capstone suits and bills, buying shoes, and finally getting to "Men's Adult Size Small"!! What an accomplishment that day was!   I remember his first CLEP exam and him realizing that he had earned 3 college credits for $90.00 at the age of 14.  That was one of the biggest smiles I ever saw on his face.

I remember graduation meetings, driver's ed, and watching out the window as he drove away on his own for the very first time.  I called my mother and cried.   I remember the blue shine of his graduation robe and seeing him walk across that stage while our little tribute was said that was written with SO MUCH TENDERNESS and meaning .... and yet, was it even heard??  I remember him trusting in God's leading and guidance, even when his Dad and I struggled to.  And just recently, I remember his first job (campaign manager for a local representative) and just two days ago -- his first paycheck!!  God has done an incredible job in creating and nurturing and growing this child.  I have been so privileged to have been a part of it.

Oh Lord, how I rejoice in this gift of a son bestowed upon me!! How amazingly blessed I am in my life.  As the Psalmist writes: ".... the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places."  I cannot even cry as I make yet one more birthday pancake today.  I am so thankful, so so filled with gratitude at what He has done and is doing in the life of my Josiah.  Happy happy birthday son.  You are loved with an everlasting love .....

I look forward to a new set of memories .... on this side of childhood now.  Amazing, isn't it?