My apologies to my family and friends for the past few days. I've been a grump.
Going on nearly 3 weeks of illness in the house has taken its toll on my normally optimistic attitude. In addition to coughs and sniffles and fevers, we're currently having our house repainted (for necessity sake, not beauty). This means that for the past week, I've endured mess in such a way that I cannot easily clean up. There are woodworking tools, saws, wood, paint buckets, power washers, caulk guns, and ladders everywhere. Each day, after the painters leave (one of whom is my stepdad who is so sweetly trying to keep things orderly for my sake), I try to salvage what has been damaged in the gardens surrounding the house and sweep up the latest debris. My porches (where we live in the summer months) have been off limits, and the beauty in the simple things surrounding me has been replaced with tape and paper and remnants of paint equipment. I know it will be beautiful once it is finished, and I am truly thankful ... I'm just shamefully suffering from the sin of a discontent attitude right now.
I realized with great clarity today that I am almost entirely responsible for the mood of our home. It was one of those blessed "ah ha" moments from God that thankfully follow periods of grumbling. Initially, my sense of justice rang through and I found myself asking, "Why is it always me? Why am I always the one who has to make things peaceful and God-honoring around here? Can't someone else come up with family building activities which are fun and yet meaningful?"
Although my husband is the leader of our home and his moods can impact our family, he is also spending hours each day working so that we can all enjoy the benefits of his labor. He is tired and weary at the end of most days. He makes great efforts each evening to enjoy the company of his children and myself, to work and play around our "farm", and to be the jovial and lighhearted half of our whole.
No, with reluctance I must admit that for the most part it is MY attitude, MY spirit of joy or unrest, MY moment by moment decisions which will determine the spirit of our home.
More importantly, I realized that it is God within me which drives the many daily choices that shape the hearts of my children and husband. Do I choose to go to the time and trouble to prepare healthy and nutritious food which will strengthen our health and overall outlook or do I call in the burgers and fries? Do I organize our time in such a way that the children are always ready for family devotion times led by Dad or do I let things go late through my own selfish ambitions to get "just one more thing" done, resulting in later and rushed bedtimes? Do I set aside my own desires at times to spend quality and meaningful and heart-building time with my husband and my children or, because of tiredness or a complaining spirit, do I just let things slide into grumpy attitudes, bickering children, and an offended husband? Do I work to daily set up my home to be a place of learning and joy-filled times of devotion and nurturing and fun (and this takes hourly sacrifice at times), or do I choose to find my own fulfillment first?
Motherhood is not about me. It's about daily, humble sacrifice of my own selfish desires while meeting the heart-felt needs of my family ... for God's glory, not my own. And rather than only (realistically) seeing it as a sacrifice of my own selfish ambition, God can work in my heart to help me realize that it is also, and even more so, a tremendous OPPORTUNITY to be daily involved and daily on my knees drawing closer to Him through the process and journey that motherhood affords.
The Bible teaches me in Proverbs 14:1 "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." I don't know about you, but I'm ashamed to say that this week I definitely had moments of tearing my house down. Thankfully, God has reminded me of His word and I am praying for renewed strength and vision to fill this calling with gladness of heart. I covet your prayers as well.
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Hi Kristi, it's Dave Benton's sister, Carrie. While visiting the Bentons last month and sharing my favorite blogs with Katie, she gave me your blog address. I've poked my nose in a couple of times. Today in particular I read one of your entries in regards to motherhood that really touched and challenged me. Thank you for your words.
I also said a prayer for you that you would be encouraged. It sounds like your camping trip with your mountaintop experience was just what you needed.
God Bless you,
Carrie Allen
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