Although I joyfully applaud those wonderful mamma's out there who are living out their lives adhering to God's command to "be fruitful and multiply" (especially with their husband's leading and blessing), I have an unending yearning to also speak for the silent majority. Since I've been married going on 18 years and am quickly approaching 40 and have homeschooled "officially" for 9 years now, I'm going to take a leap of faith that perhaps I'm beginning to fit into that "older woman" category and hopefully might reach some of my younger readers' ears. Of course, as with everything my prayer is that my words might be used mightily for the glory of God.
I am becoming increasingly concerned with the subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) pride growing withing the homeschooling community. It is disguised within a noble cause, but in the end -- it is often pride. The pride I speak of is that which grows out of following the calling God has given you to "allow God to choose your family size" -- or in the words most of our world can understand -- choosing not to use any form of birth control. It is true that it is a Biblical command to be fruitful and multiply, and obviously it is also a Biblical command to "not murder". My concern is however, that the homeschooling community seems to be putting "noble pressure" on its members based on exactly HOW MANY children you have and what qualifies as "being fruitful".
I can't tell you the number of times I have been judged by other homeschoolers because I have ONLY 3 children. I've had a prominent, national speaker and leader in the homeschool community whom I've approached with full smiles at a convention, only ask me upon being approached and introduced, "And how many children do you have?" When I answered, "Three" (sheepishly I might add), I could tell that I was immediately judged and the resulting conversation was stilted and awkward. I have had to defend the choices that my husband and I have made with a strange sort of defensiveness that is unbelonging within the family of God.
I encourage you fellow sisters to be sensitive, loving, and kind to those you encounter regardless of their family size. It is not your place to make judgments or assume anything on the part of another. Similarly, it is important to consider that we are all coming to the place of understanding and obedience at different points in our lives. This understanding and obedience will LOOK DIFFERENTLY based on an individual's calling and relationship with his/her Redeemer.
A wise woman will realize that a mother's choices are not always her own. I have known women who greatly desired to continue having children but who's husbands chose instead to end the possibility in their future. I have a dear friend who can no longer have children (despite very much wanting more) because of the cancer medication that is helping her remain cancer-free. I have known women who went through several miscarriages throughout pregnancies and have only been able to conceive 3 children in 20 years of marriage. I have known women, who for the sake of their mental or physical health and based on medical advise have chosen to limit the number of children they have because they felt God leading them to do so. And I have known women who have grieved and mourned the choice they made or directed their husbands to make in a moment of sincere overwhelming. Are all these women breaking the command to "be fruitful and multiply" because they may only have 2 or 3 or 4 children?
On the opposite end of the spectrum I have been confronted by women (godly, beautiful women) who criticize and make severe judgments upon my husband and I because of our choice to limit our family size (first as an intellectual choice, and secondly due to medical reasons which I do not regret). I have known women who face potentially life-threatening physical challenges, yet who continue unhappily (out of guilt or confusion or complacency) to "fulfill their calling". Finally, I have seen many, many women who undermine their husbands and silently usurp their leadership by purposely continuing to get pregnant in spite of their husband's obvious dissatisfaction and concern over such. This is more common then I believe we "Eve's" are willing to admit.
I encourage you fellow homeschooling mothers to be sensitive. Keep quiet when needed (which is always more often then we're willing to admit I'm afraid). Live out your calling as God has granted you through His Holy Spirit to do. Do not compare. Your boat is likely much different then those around you. Rejoice when children are born, but don't make assumptions for those which aren't. There are many, many women who live out regret each day of their lives, but whom are confident in the forgiveness and mercy and grace of their Saviour. It's not our job to impart guilt. God calls us to love. Let's challenge ourselves to do so with no strings attached.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Well said my friend.
hi Kristi,
You and I have not met, but you left a post on my blog to visit your site concerning the post I wrote on the issue of the family planning. First of all I would like to say I am deeply sorry if you felt judged at all, like I mentioned in the post this is just an issue I have struggled with for years and have felt myself avoiding. In response to your post... I am so sorry that you have felt judged by the "home schooling community" in this topic. I have to say though, that the reverse is opposite for me. I have only been homeschooling for 3 years with a break last year with my oldest. I do not have a community of home schoolers aside from 3 families i know. I have a few close friends who do also but we do not go the same church or see each other very often. So I have not experienced much of the home schooling community from that perspective.
I am pregnant with my fifth child... all under 7 years old, and when ever I go out I stares and comments from women in the community... saying things like "do you run a day care?" or "Don't you know how to prevent that?" While my children are with me... behaving! The media and society in general looks at families the size we have now (4) and discriminates. I even get comments from family members saying things like "Oh. no not again" in response to us having more children. My own grandmother believes in population control philosphies. And they are all believers. At the church we go to we are one of very few families that have more than 3 kids. Actually I went through the directory... .011% of families at our church have more than five. there were only 10 families out of 891 three years ago. I say this to relate with you on the judgement issue.
I feel it just for driving a suburban... b/c I am limited by seats on what I can drive. I hear of eco terrorists blowing up houses and suburbans in Seattle... but they do not even consider that people have large cars b/c they have large families. I feel there is an attack on the family and especially those who choose to have more kids. I actually have no support system around me for having kids, spiritually or family wise and it is difficult. My husbands family is supportive of whatever we do but they live 6 hours away. Finding babysitters is nearly impossible because kids aren't raised in large families and are scared to watch that many "little" children. The medical field pushes birth control on women before they even deliver their babies.
I guess I just wanted you to see that judgement goes both ways. And that i understand completely how it feels to be judged, I feel it pretty much anytime I go anywhere by the glares I get and comments from family members about stopping. Which I have been getting since we had two. I also get the looks when I go grocery shopping without my kids. I go once a week and I have a lot of food... my kids aren't even teenagers yet. People in the line behind me sigh when they see how much i have to buy.
I don't know if you have read the book, but even though I don't personally agree with everything she declares in her book, I am in agreement about the attack on families today and how satan doesn't want us to have godly offspring. Whether that is 1 or 10. I have never had in my mind that there was a certain number of children that one is too have. I don't beleive the Bible says that at all. i do believe however, that a ton of christians (not you), but others do not even think about taking this issue to God. And instead they follow the patterns of this world. This world's average of children per household in America is 1.5 kids. The Muslim based faith families average 6.8 kids per family and have just passed up the Chatholic faith in number purely because of their birth rate. I do beleive we are in a spiritual battle. At the current rate of 1.5 kids per family we are not even having enough children to sustain the replenishment of the mother and father. this is the dilema the France is currently facing... they are dying off because they aren't producing enough offspring.
My point was to inspire people to pray about it and if God says to stop, stop. If God says to have more and they are reluctant recognize why. For me personally the last 2 kids have been huge sacrifices for me. I love them dearly, but it has been physically hard. I don't know how many more we will have. Like I said a few times in my blog, I am under the submission of my husband... for my protection. It was put their by God and he will ultimately make that decision for us. Together we will pray about and he knows my heart, my pains, the physically limitations it brings, the lack of support we have, etc... but we have both agreed to pray about it and seek out the scriptures and not do anything until we have His peace. That was the message I was trying to convey. Where I come from there is a lack of speaking out at all or even encouraging people to pray about it. Most families we know just base their family planning on what is acceptable by society, or what is most convienant, or financially easier. I do not believe that God wants it to stop there. I think he wants all of us to ask him to be involved in every area of our lives, including child birth and how many to bear. I feel a ton of people are desensitized to the ways of this world and many who are not make decisions based on peer pressure (if you will call it that). After having such positive feedback on the post I know there are any out there like me, struggling to hear God's voice amidst all the birth control adds and their parents saying stop having children. And the few that go out on a limb, like Nancy, and say the extreme opposite. I was trying to offer a middle ground. I do not think birth control is wise, I never have... 10 years! But there are other options then popping a pill.
I think there is a need for christian women to support one another like they did in the biblical days. Some were barren, some lost babies, like you mentioned, and some had many children, they all supported one another though. That is missing in today's society... I think because people are too competitive.
I guess I just wanted to point out that judgement goes both ways. And offer a middle ground that says, pray about it, give it to God... but doesn't say you are sinning if you don't have 12 kids. I think the Lord wants are hearts. Our actions in how we handle these issues are a reflection of that... I appreciate your position and am truly sorry if you felt judged... I feel that same way for other reasons. I
I wanted to email you directly but couldn't find your personal email. I have only been blogging for about 3 months so I am still learning. if you want to reject this post I totally understand and won't take offense to it at all.
i would really like to keep intouch thuogh. I am going to keep visiting your site because I enjoyed reading your Biblical Worldview posting. Great stuff! God obviously has big plans for you!
Sincerely in Love,
Angie
I thank you Angie for your thoughtful response. It is good that we can share openly our experiences and our wisdom. The judgement does indeed go both ways, unfortunately. Hopefully our heartfelt words will work themselves to help both writers and readers alike. Blessings on you, Kristi
Pride, Pride, Pride. Pride in the homeschooling community over family size??? How about pride over family accomplishments, smart kids, homeschool theories, obedient children, curriculum, home churches, courtship, unworldly kids, no tv, etc. etc. etc. The list is undending. How difficult to resist the temptation to see our kids as trophies instead of blessings, irregardless of the amount God has given us.
I am surprised, completely, that you have felt the judgment for having only 3 children. I remember experiencing the judgment already for having too many when I was barely pregnant with #3. The homeschool community is the only one that approves of my family size. I have been in Bible studies where Christian women have shared their dismay that I am pregnant again. I have been told several times that "God gives us intelligence." I expect this from the world, not from the Body. The implication is that it is un-intelligent to walk by faith in this matter. (For myself, it's 100% a matter of obedience that we have not permanently cut off children. It takes alot of trust in God, because I would most surely like to take matters into my own hands. It is not a matter of confusion, complacency or misplaced condemnation -- it's just pure conviction, even in light of health issues.)
I never ask a woman, "did you intend to have ONLY 3 kids?" but I am forever asked, "did you intend to have so many children?"
So I'm surprised that you have experienced on numerous occasions (rather than just a few times) judgment for only having 3 children, when I have experienced so many comments about having more than 3. I thought you were in the Approved category. In a comical way, I guess it's encouraging to discover that there is equal amounts of judgment being disbursed out there. (A twisted sense of balance.)
Sadly, I suppose I should not be shocked that you have been on the receiving end of Pride, Pride, Pride. If it weren't your family size, it would be something else.
Touche' girlfriend. It's good to dialogue, share our experiences, and nudge eachother little by little toward the wisdom we each impart uniquely based on personal experience. Glad you felt comfortable to share. As always -- blessings! K.
Post a Comment